Everyone's journey is unique to their own path, and during mine so far i got so lost in the beginning. I thought to get anywhere with my spirituality and to heal myself and freaked myself out so much to break my generational curse for my children's sake i had to learn everything there and then. But that is my shadow, no patience in the fear of being left behind. During my experience in my home i pushed myself everyday to figure out what was going on. But not in a healthy way. To stay awake in the nights to capture what i could on camera, i used amphetamine's and drink but as stupid as it sounds it actually helped me piece together some of the puzzles i was being given. It was a tiny bit of hope each time i found something out. I thought my dark night only started when i moved here and after researching and seeing people had gone through theirs either months to years. I thought Fuck doing this for years. But i had been without realising. It makes me sad to think about it, it goes to show you can live your life and actually believe your genuinely happy when inside your screaming for help. You can spend your lifetime alone, no matter what your circumstances. For me i feared being abandoned for so long, i lived a lie. Literally in a room full of people but alone. Until my children were born, I was breaking one curse without even realising.
I know it sounds selfish but I did not want to work while my children were babies, I did not want to miss a thing and to some people being on benefits is soooo common and assume the worst of us. As you carry on (hopefully) reading my story you will soon see why, but for now I'll finish this explanation.
As a child I had my siblings look after me, one in particular wasn't very nice. I call it classic middle child syndrome. And even as adults we don't speak now. But as much as my parents loved me, I felt alone. I didn't want anyone else looking after my two. And I didn't until my youngest was 5. And I am grateful for that decision as we are very close now they are teenagers. And the best behaved teenagers I could ever have asked for. I was breaking one curse so far, I feared them being like me, the rebellious black sheep of the family.
Day by day they heal me without even knowing, when I am in doubt of myself, I look at them and I know I can get through this. I need to to help them one day as they are empaths too. Our curse of being drained daily at the minute.
- Tips on trying to self heal
from experience, it's challenging, especially if you can't afford to pay for therapy and the nhs waiting times are unbelievably long. It's frustrating and when you do not know how to cope with all the emotions you repressed over the years it's so hard to not say fuck it or have no self esteem but from what I have seen even the best have dark days. It's a battle we face to keep our light but if it means us all awakening and finding our light, for future generations to not have to deal with what we have it's worth it and we are worth it.
- inner child healing, you do not have to sit and hug yourself, find the fun in the little things we missed as a child. Personally I love going to the park and to my children's shame I go on the swings and act like a child myself.
Think of what made you sad as a child and reprogram that memory to a happy one. Something productive if you get triggered.
write a letter to yourself, it does help.
Be the parent to your children you wish you had. Make them proud. - Learn your triggers. After months of doing everything the wrong way I finally found this does help. With BPD i have extreme reactions to certain situations and I didn't realise why until now. It's just remembering to follow through with it and it is hard.
For example, my boyfriend would just up and go when he was going out without telling me. Or block me in his little moods. Triggers abandonment issues= Me losing the plot. Scream, cry, hurt myself etc. Now I know my triggers, I have set my boundaries and if they are crossed I just don't react in that way or I take myself away from that situation.
it's each to their own way but I will add some links at the bottom to help. As I said I am not qualified but just doing this site is helping me heal. - Get creative, sing, draw, write. Anything that you are passionate about.
- self care, most importantly. Even it's as simple as a bubble bath with a face mask. Meditation, yoga. Yoga I do at home on you tube. It's good to help with vagus nerve resetting after trauma.